Visiting Someone with Dementia in Memory Care or the Hospital

Visiting someone you love in memory care, a nursing home or the hospital can bring up a lot of feelings. You may wonder what to say, what to bring, or whether the visit even matters if they will not remember it. It does matter. The National Institute on Aging notes that people with Alzheimer’s often enjoy company even when they do not remember who the visitor is. This page gives practical steps for before, during and after a visit, plus specific tips for hospital stays.

How do I get ready for a visit?

A little planning makes the visit easier for both of you.

• Pick a good time. Dementia Australia suggests visiting when the person is usually most alert, which for many people is morning or around midday. The Family Caregiver Alliance suggests learning the facility’s schedule and visiting during free time rather than activity time.
• Check with staff. Ask how the person has been today, and check any rules about food, pets or outings.
• Pack a small visit bag. One or two things to share is enough (see the list below).
• Plan a few topics. The person may not have news to share, so bring your own: family updates, the weather, a ball game, a funny story.
• Set your own expectations. Some visits will be warm and chatty. Others will be quiet or hard. Both are normal.

What should I bring?

Bring things to share, not things that test. Good choices include:

• A small photo album with large, clear photos. Label them on the back for staff.
• A playlist of favorite songs on a phone, with simple headphones or a small speaker.
• Something soft to hold, such as a familiar blanket, scarf or sweater.
• Hand lotion for a gentle hand massage, if the person enjoys touch.
• A magazine or picture book about an old interest, such as gardening, cars, birds or cooking.
• A favorite snack, if staff say it is safe.
• Familiar objects for the room. The Family Caregiver Alliance suggests flowers, plants, family pictures and artwork, or a large poster of family photos from the past.
• A tablet, for looking at family photos or playing a gentle game together.

What can we do together during a visit?

Doing something together takes the pressure off conversation. Dementia Australia suggests looking at photos, an easy craft, planting seedlings, music, sharing a snack, or a stroll around the grounds. A few more ideas:

1. Look at photos. Point out what you see: “Look at that hat.” “This beach looks lovely.” Let the person lead. Avoid “Who is this?”
2. Play music and sing. Familiar songs can lift the mood and bring a shared moment, even when talking is hard.
3. Take a short walk. The Family Caregiver Alliance suggests walking around the facility, especially in the garden if there is one. A wheelchair stroll counts.
4. Give a hand massage. A little lotion and slow strokes on the hands can be calming.
5. Help with grooming. Dementia Australia mentions brushing hair, painting nails or helping the person into a favorite outfit, if they enjoy it.
6. Play a simple game. The Family Caregiver Alliance suggests cards, dominoes, or whatever the person used to play. On a tablet, Picture Pairs can be played with pictures left visible and no timer. Photo Pairs turns photos you choose into a matching game, and the photos stay in your browser.
7. Watch something together. The Family Caregiver Alliance suggests comedies and old movies. Even if the person cannot follow the story, you can sit close and share the time.
8. Read aloud. A short poem, a favorite passage, or a letter from a family member.
9. Just sit together. Holding hands or sitting quietly is a real visit. The Alzheimer’s Association notes that it is fine not to know what to say, and that your presence matters most.

Conversation Cards can help when you run out of things to say. Each card has a picture and an open prompt.

How should I talk during the visit?

• Introduce yourself every time. “Hi Dad, it’s Mark, your son.” The NIA suggests visitors briefly introduce themselves to start a conversation.
• Approach from the front and sit at eye level.
• Do not correct or argue. The NIA advises visitors not to correct the person if they make a mistake or forget something.
• Be patient when words are hard to find. Give plenty of time.
• Respond to feelings. If the person seems sad or worried, acknowledge it before changing the subject.
• Avoid quiz questions like “Do you remember me?” or “What did you have for lunch?”

See our communication tips for more.

What do I do when they say “I want to go home”?

Respond to the feeling behind the words. The Family Caregiver Alliance explains that “I want to go home” is usually a way of saying “I am not comfortable,” and suggests responses like “Tell me about your home” or “What’s your favorite thing at home?” Dementia Australia adds that “home” can mean a time or place where the person felt safe, such as childhood.

Try:

• acknowledging the feeling: “It sounds like you miss home.”
• offering comfort through touch, if welcome
• looking at photos or talking about the family home
• offering a walk, a drink or a snack

Avoid arguing or explaining why they cannot leave. It rarely helps and often adds distress.

How long should a visit be?

Shorter and more frequent often works better. The Family Caregiver Alliance notes that the person usually does not remember whether you stayed five minutes or five hours, and suggests that three short visits a week can be better than one long one. Dementia Australia says there is no right number of visits or right length.

In the first weeks after a move into memory care, the Family Caregiver Alliance suggests visiting often, then gradually settling into a regular pattern. Ask staff what they are seeing.

How do I leave without upsetting them?

Leaving can be the hardest part. Dementia Australia suggests:

• Say how long you can stay when you arrive. “I can stay for an hour, then I’m going shopping.”
• Use an activity as a natural end. “When we finish this song, I’ll head off.”
• Time it with a meal or activity, or ask staff to help the person settle into something else.
• Keep the goodbye short and the same each time. Lingering, apologizing or staying “just a bit longer” can make future goodbyes harder.

After you leave, it is normal to feel sad. Let yourself rest. If the person got upset, staff can usually help them settle soon after.

Visiting someone with dementia in the hospital

A hospital is noisy, unfamiliar and full of strangers, which can be very hard for a person living with dementia. The NIA’s guide to taking a person with Alzheimer’s to the hospital recommends:

• Have someone stay with the person as much as possible: a family member, a trusted friend or a hired caregiver.
• Give staff a personal information sheet with the person’s routine, preferred name, likes and dislikes, possible triggers, and nonverbal signs of pain. Put copies in the room and at the nurses’ station.
• Help with eating and drinking. Older adults can become undernourished in the hospital. Open containers, help with meals, eat together, and offer drinks.
• Bring comforting items such as photos or spiritual objects.
• Lower the noise. Turn off the TV and reduce phone and intercom volume.
• Try calming rituals, such as soothing music, reading, praying, singing or looking through old pictures.
• Encourage moving around as much as is safe, with staff approval.
• Tell the doctor right away if the person seems suddenly worse or different. The NIA explains that sudden severe confusion, called delirium, can be caused by problems such as infection, fever, dehydration or medicine side effects, and needs medical attention.

A short, calm visit with a familiar face and a favorite song can be the most comforting part of a hospital day.

Bringing children on a visit

Children can bring a lot of warmth. Prepare them ahead of time with simple, honest words, keep the visit short, and give them a job, such as showing a drawing or handing over a photo. The NIA suggests that children and people with Alzheimer’s can enjoy simple activities together, like looking through a photo album or listening to music. Dementia Australia suggests packing a small bag of treats or quiet things to keep young children busy.

Take care of yourself too

Visiting can be tiring and emotional, especially if the person has changed a lot. It is fine to visit less often if you need to, to bring a friend for support, or to leave early on a hard day. For ideas on looking after yourself, see caregiver self-care. If you live far away, see our guide to phone and video calls.